It's always a shock moving to a new place. What's shocking is that you don't really know what to expect. For instance, I would have never anticipated the conversation I'm about to describe.
I am terrified of getting pregnant again. That's just the honest truth. Absolutely. Terrified. Clark is now two, and is a complete horror who takes up all my time, and I just couldn't face months vomiting and sleeping AND trying to care for Clark. And then dealing with a newborn all over again....PLUS Clark? Like I said, terrified. Of course, this terror of pregnancy hasn't dimmed my sex drive, and despite having an IUD, I still occasionally think I'm preggers. I'll wake up one morning, and my stomach will feel a little funny, and immediately, I'm certain it's morning sickness and that it's all starting over again. Or I'll feel a little flutter in my stomach, and just know that I'm quickening, and somehow am months and months into pregnancy. I realize this sounds insane, but yes, motherhood has brought me here and there's no turning back. Anyway, there's a quick remedy for this form of paranoia: a pregnancy test. I keep a couple around so whenever I get that burst of fear, I can pee on a stick and have unrefutable relief in two minutes.
Well, upon moving to Nashville, I didn't have my stash in the hotel room with me, and sure enough, I thought I was pregnant. It was, of course, terrible timing to be pregnant as we had just moved, the insurance on this new job wouldn't kick in for a few months, I didn't want another child anyway, etc. I tried to ignore it, because intellectually, I know that with the IUD, it's virtually impossible for me to be pregnant. Ignoring it doesn't work. I broke down and went to Wal-Greens.
At the drug store, I headed to the back, because usually the pregnancy tests are by the pharmacist's window with the condoms. I suppose they have to keep an eye on these things. I didn't see them, so I asked the pharmacist at the window where they kept the tests. He didn't know, so he shouted to the girls working in the back, "What aisle are the pregnancy tests on?" I cringed a little. Like I said, I buy these things a lot (women like me are the reason they sell multipacks), so I'm not terribly embarrassed about it, but I don't like my business being yelled across the store. I headed over to the appropriate place, and tried to decide which package to buy. There are no easy shopping decisions in an American drugstore. Like you can't just walk in and pick up shampoo (there is an entire aisle devoted to it), so you can't just walk in and pick up a pregnancy test. There are a variety of early response tests. This would be unneccesary for me, because I'd been attempting to ignore symptoms. It's not like I was worried about unprotected sex I had five days ago. So that narrowed it down to three shelves worth of product. I was busy texting my best friend Stephanie about hotels in Jacksonville, so between that and my indecision, I lingered in front of the tests for a ridiculously long time. A chipper employee came over, asking if I needed any help, and I gestured at the array of tests and said, "No, I found what I'm looking for." She immediately began staring at the floor and walked away mumbling. I couldn't believe that she was embarrassed! Don't people buy personal things at a drug store every day?
I finally selected a multipack of generic tests, and then remembered I also wanted to get some disposable spoons (great for the diaperbag). At the register, the cashier rang up the spoons, and then saw the tests. She froze, then clutched the box, looked me in the eye and asked, "Are you hoping for a yes or a no?" I became acutely aware of the fact that I had dashed out of the hotel room without putting on any jewelry, including my engagement ring and wedding band. Surprised by her nosy question, I tried to laugh it off and replied, "Well, I already have one and he's quite a handful!" She tried to look at my left hand (which I had conveniently stowed beneath my right), and gave me a look of pity. "I will pray that you get the answer you're hoping for."
She'll pray for me?! Pray for me? Ooooo-kayyyyy. I'm a Christian, I've got nothing against prayer, but I really like privacy. Or at least, courtesy. In New York, when I bought some, the woman who owned the store knew me and my family, and joked with me, "A little sister for your boy!" Fine. Fair enough. She knew me, my son, my husband, what kind of razor blades we buy and our sense of humor in birthday cards. If an older woman who knows me wants to congratulate me (however erroneously) on my pregnancy, okay. But if a girl my age is just gonna assume that because I walk into Wal-Greens alone and come to the register with a pack of pregnancy tests under some plastic spoons I must be a single swinger ignorant of birth control, or better yet--abstinence, then I'm going to be irritated. I felt like this was my "welcome to the South" moment.
Claro que si, I wasn't pregnant.
